My absence has not been intentional; stress is an insidious foe. It creeps under doors and suffocates you in your sleep. We've had far more than our share in the last couple of weeks. The day off I was so excited for had been one of many casualties. The computer on which Tom has loaded a programme that spits out incomprehensible numbers, is another. This morning it just never wanted to wake. Tom has been pacing around the house for the better part two hours, unable to eat, refusing to check his glucose levels (another stress in itself) and generally not knowing what to do with himself. This assignment is taking so much valuable time away from his thesis and it is looking like it will take at least another day with this latest disaster.

I've had another burden to bear as well. I've lost my job. It was not entirely unexpected, I cannot be entirely reliable having panic attacks before (and sometimes during) every other shift. This is nothing new, the bar was a trigger for me before. I just thought I'd be able to cope with the place now that it's under the management of someone I like and respect and who is understanding of that part of me. Not so. I'll be honest and say it's a relief, despite the loss of income, to know I won't be having these bouts of anxiety that I've managed to remove from every other aspect of my life. I'll find new work and I'll make sure it isn't in such a triggering environment. Night work, big crowds, drunk idiots are all out. Sometimes, I think, you need to work with yourself and your strengths, rather than attempting to force yourself to adapt.

I've been listening to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl and drinking Gorgeous Geisha. Tom always crosses out Geisha and replaces it with Georgia. I'm about to start reading The Happiness Project, since everyone seems to be raving about it. Three weeks to go. Three weeks.

lately

We never got our day off. This assignment has turned out to be extraordinarily time consuming, despite being worth so much less than the thesis he could/should be spending this time working on. I cannot wait for Honours to be over. I cannot wait to have uninterrupted hours with my beautiful boyfriend and his unburdened mind. His mind is presently full of words I do not understand and a great deal of stress. He's been writing on my computer, which is partially why I haven't been able to post lately. His was in an accident involving a bottle of vodka. I may be at fault for that one.

I'm looking for new work. I'm done being a bartender, it does not suit me to work late hours or put myself in the presence of loud, busy places like that. Sometimes, I think, you need to work with yourself and your strengths, rather than attempting to force yourself to adapt. I don't want to do this forever and I've never been a fan of these environments. I've been having mild panic attacks every time I have a night shift for a few weeks now. This is nothing new, I just thought I'd be able to cope with the place now that it's under the management of someone I like and respect and who is understanding of that part of me.

I've been listening to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl and drinking Gorgeous Geisha. Tom always crosses out Geisha and replaces it with Georgia. It's become a sweet little tradition every time we get a box, so unlike the rest of our loose leaf teas, I don't like to transfer it to a jar. I'm about to start reading The Happiness Project, since everyone seems to be raving about it.

before the fall, or, the words I left behind on Friday night

I'm sitting in the office at work. I was due to start half an hour ago, but my shift has been delayed indefinitely because it's so quiet here. Everyone's decided to go home and hide from the rain. It's where I'd like to be. There are others that I could sit with, but I'm just not feeling up to human contact so I'm soaking up as much alone time as I can before putting on my happy bartender face. We're so broke at the moment but I keep thinking to myself that I'd be quite happy if my shift were cancelled entirely. I don't know why I feel this way, I guess it's been a heavy and stressful week in it's own mundane way. I would probably benefit from a good long cry about nothing in particular. But instead I'll put on a happy face and play fight with G when he gets in. They're all there, within sight. I can see but I'm not really here. They don't see me. There is a wall between us all.

Back in a flash, I promise. We're taking a much needed day off tomorrow, after which I'm looking forward to getting back into my old rhythm. Blogging very much included. I've missed this space in the last week. Time has passed so slowly, it feels like so much longer.

Silence on the blog front.

A while back, Tom & I went to a friend's place for a few drinks. We brought a bottle of vodka, but Tom had come directly from Uni or something I think, so he also had his Macbook Air in the bag but I didn't know that at the time. Half of the group (including Tom) were heading to a provided 25th and the rest of us were going into town with the drunk girls in tiny skirts and noisy music, not usually my cup of tea but the company was strong and I'd had enough vodka at our first destination that I was happy to roll along with the terrible plan. Not important. What is important, though, is that Tom decided to leave his bag behind, so as we were walking out the door, I threw the vodka into his bag, which was lying on the floor. There was a loud thump and I knew something bad had happened. Of all the places that bottle could have hit the computer, it chose to plant itself into the plastic apple logo and cause a great deal of damage to the screen below. It would cost almost as much to fix as it would to replace it new, so we haven't done anything about it yet. Fast forward to the last week, and Tom has been taking my computer with him to Uni and I've been stressed and have nothing interesting to say anyway, so the blog has taken the brunt of this.