Life and death. [Day two]

Circles

I'm struggling to disassociate Charlie from the limp, lifeless body he left behind in my lap. I want to to file that memory away in a different place from the memories I keep of his life. I want the Charlie in my memory to always be that beautiful dog sleeping at the end of my bed, following me around the house, running to greet me at the door. I want to remember him as the odd mix of wise old man and perpetual puppy that he was since he could fit in my hand and would steal my socks to keep in a pile in the backyard.

But this last memory is still so fresh.

Watching the vet inject that bright green fluid into his veins and feeling his breath quicken and then ... stop. Blinking away my tears because he deserved for his last moments to be seen and known, not lost in the blur of hot salty tears and grief.

Mum told me that she could never have another pet. She couldn't handle the pain of saying goodbye. That goodbye felt like poison surging through every part of my body, but I know that this brief period in which the pain is strongest is nothing to the years of joy and love he brought to my life. I haven't lived in the same house as him for over eighteen months; I feel guilty for the moments I almost forget that he is gone. But I don't see him in this house. I see him at the end of my old double bed, not the queen I share with Tom. I see him trying to sneak out of the front gate at my Mum's house, not under our Magnolia tree. And I feel the warmth of his body as I hold him for the very last time. As I say goodbye.