babbling. as always.

I had a moment of clarity while I was hanging out the washing this morning. Most of my great moments of clarity come as I my mind wanders whist doing household chores. I'm going to wash the dishes after I write this, so with any luck I'll have solved all of the worlds problems by dinner time tonight.
I started this blog, after deleting I don't know how many others, because I had fallen in love with the unbridled words of Bekah on her now-extinct blog my little loves. She isn't the only blogger to inspire me with tales of life and love and challenges and triumphs, but she was the first to inspire uninhibited honesty in my writing. I tried, as far as possible, to write without a filter, to treat my blog as a truly safe space and forget about who might or might not be reading my words.
As my readership grew, and especially as people in my 'real life' started discovering it, the filter crept back in and I started leaving drafts unpublished. A few at first, then a lot more. Now I hover over that publish button like I'm contemplating deploying an atomic bomb.
Bekah took down her blog because she needed to protect the privacy of her family. Perhaps I wanted to read that as a condemnation of personal blogging in its entirety, but really, she just did what was right for her. And what was right for a young mother of two is not necessarily right for me, whose life is entirely different to hers. When my mum asked me why I wrote my blog about my own life, I told her it was because the blogs I love reading are about the lives of others. Others who share the seemingly mundane and remind me of what is most important: relationships, being present, acknowledging the little things. Actually, I think I shrugged, but that would have been a better response so play along with me.
 I'm not saying I want to share everything, but I want to share the important things. Everything that had been going on since this move to Darwin has been huge and important and often scary, and I don't want leave it out just because it doesn't make my life look neat and shiny. Life isn't neat and shiny.
Tom and I have been struggling since his job fell through. We moved up for a dream that didn't work out and now we have to readjust our expectations and review our gameplan. We've fought, we've cried, but what we've really done is grow together.
The more BIG THINGS that happen without being shared here, the less this feels like the safe space I had envisioned and the harder it is to dive back in. It's been literally a whole year since this vicious cycle started ruining my relationship with this space. I'm declaring a ceasefire. I'm not going to make another one of my many broken blogging promises, but I'm going to attempt to write daily for this week only. I may slip up, so don't feel sad, but I think we could do with some quality time getting to know one another better again. 

Kelsey, I don't know what would have happened to this space if you hadn't reached out to me. You inspire me.