I have spent my time since school calling myself a student, keeping menial entry-level jobs to 'support myself through Uni'.  enrolling every other semester in subjects of which I would inevitably drop out. Whilst other people not attending University were seeking office jobs, I continued to strive for a life I wasn't ready to lead. Study requires a level of self-determination and discipline I was not willing to give, I just didn't realise this at the time.

The last five years haven't been entirely wasted, but this is one hurdle that has haunted me throughout. I am content with where I am, and yet I crave for that life I had expected to have by this time, for the milestones I had expected to have reached. I had assumed that by this time I'd be donning the cap and gown, not attending orientation week alongside others the age of my baby sister. It is hard at these times not to feel a pang of regret. These years have seen me both the incapacitated victim and the heroic conquerer of my own anxiety. These are my stories, these are my achievements. They are just so very different to the achievements I thought I'd have. I had hurdles that I could never have expected and would never have wished upon myself. I failed to achieve all that I planned, and I've succeeded in areas I hadn't prepared for. Life is like that. Life is unpredictable.

I often find that I think of myself in the past as another person entirely. We may share many of the same memories, but our lives and our motivations are different. The past is another country and she who inhabits it lacks the wisdom that I have garnered by the benefit of her experiences there. I know her well, but she can only dream of me. The future Georgia I will never meet knows me better than she knows herself. The three of us are sisters, estranged by time but intrinsically linked through memories and blood and the words we leave behind as a trail of evidence.

There are times where I become angry with my younger self. Frustrated that her selfish, hedonistic lifestyle did not bestow upon me the life I had expected for this time of my life. I think about those semesters of University that went by marked only with a new set of Withdraw Fails on the academic transcript we share. I lament how her actions then have to affect me so greatly now; she feels like an estranged little sister and yet her actions directly influence the very composition of my days. Her decisions were made with priorities that are not always aligned with my own.

It is harrowing and humbling that one must learn to make decisions for two versions of oneself. I choose to start University next year because I do not wish to feel this anguish at my (now present, then past) self in the future. It feels as though I've had to learn some hard truths that I had always thought were innate. The division between the present and the future are not so distinct. The Georgia of the future is vulnerable to the present, so I must protect her with the decisions that I make. She is older and wiser than me, but her wisdom is defined by my experiences.

back to school

I'm not going back to school until March, but since everyone on the other side of the world seems to be preparing to return to college, I thought I'd enjoy some imaginary back to school shopping.



Clockwise from left:

Midori brass pencil case // anything is better in brass.

Muji 0.38 gel ink pen // These are by far my favourite pens. I always have one on me and refuse to use anything else.

O-Check Design metal scissors // I just think these are cute!

Moleskine extra large cahiers // need I say more? These are the perfect notebook in the perfect size.

Leif pastel mini planter // a cute way to bring life to your desk

Bon Look black J'adore glasses // because glasses make you smarter and all that jazz.

Moleskine week-to-view 2013/2014 diary // I love these diaries, the extra lined notebook page

I've got the message already!

As if I haven't already been given enough wake-up calls urging me to start pushing myself harder, I have been sent yet another great kick in the pants to get a move on. In an interview for a second entry-level hospitality position, I was told that an employer pays a seventeen-year-old something like 35% less to do the same work as a twenty-two-year-old like myself. How can I compete? And why am I still in a position where I need to?

It dawned on me for the seven hundredth time that this is not how or where I saw myself five years out of high school.

I have spent my time since school calling myself a student, keeping menial entry-level jobs to 'support myself through Uni'.  enrolling every other semester in subjects of which I would invariably drop out.

Now this is not to say that I am not happy with where I am. I love my life, but things might be a whole lot easier if I were finishing my first undergraduate degree at twenty-two, not starting it.

There are times where I am really frustrated with selfish hedonist that was younger me. I lament how her actions have to affect me now; she feels like an estranged little sister and yet her actions directly influence the composition of my days. My reality. Her decisions were made with priorities that are not always aligned with my own.

bridging the gap

Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe.

The past couple of weeks have seen me obsessively contemplating a return to University in the new year. I say obsessively because I have become consumed by the prospect. Previous attempts at higher education have not been particularly successful endeavours for me, and I am torn by my desire to start right away and my fear that I’m not quite ready.

I have always carried with me a highly romanticised idea of University. I think this, more than anything, even more than the problems I've encountered with mental health, is the reason I've not yet managed to complete an undergraduate degree. Because real life is slow and, well, real. Real life is more than just that series of stills I've carried around in my head in which I am balancing a coffee atop a pile of books, sitting wholly immersed in a big important text, participating in intellectual debate about the influences that brought about the Russian Revolution. No, real life demands you complete the required readings and attend the less inspiring lectures also. In real life, you work hard and curse the whole system and write into the earliest hours of the morning and give yourself a headache from the computer glare. In real life, things don't always feel like a sunny day at the park. 

I have been my own worst enemy when it comes to my education. I want so badly to be that person in my head, but I've been unwilling to do the work that comes with that reality. I’ve been waiting for some sort of shortcut or loophole, but the life I want doesn’t come that easily and in the past I haven’t proven to be up for the challenge.

Tom and I have been talking about me going back to Uni next year. I am paradoxically fuelled by excitement and paralysed by overwhelming waves of fear. I do not entirely trust myself to do what needs to be done. I haven’t in the past proven willing or able to make the journey in my impatience to reach the destination. 

But I think I’m ready, finally, to accept the work and the stress and the struggle that comes with my romanticised view of University. I want to work hard. I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of achieving my goals. I don't want to let fear get in my way any more.