I didn't mean to take a break from blogging, but the air around me became heavy and I found myself burrowing into cushions and immersing myself in the worlds of fictional characters whenever my own became quiet.

Eventually, though, I felt that ray of sunshine that told me it was safe to come out. My periods of anxiety are shorter now, but just as intense and unexpected. Years have taught me that there is no clear trigger, no ominous warning signs, and all I can do is ride the waves as best I can until the waters again become clear.

I look back to that time only a few years ago when leaving the house was the most terrifying prospect and I could go weeks without leaving the safety and familiarity of my bed. I know that I am stronger and better than I have ever been, but in those weaker moments it is hard to know this truth; it is impossible to see the forest for the trees.

You might remember that I briefly mentioned a creative project that I was excited about. It sat in the back of my mind for those weeks where I did no more than go through the motions: work, home, marathoning bad tv, harry potter, wash, rinse, repeat. But it occurs to me now that this was the worst thing that I could have done, because it is only when I have a project to excite and consume me that I feel alive.

Which brings me to the other reason I've been neglecting this space. I'm putting my heart into this creative endeavour; I've been busy working on it in  my free time for the last couple of weeks. It has to move slowly for mostly financial reasons but I will share with you very soon.

We've been discussing our next move. It's hard to know where we'll be a few months from now. We might be right here in our lovely little home or we could be making a new one in a bigger city or a small country town or on the other side of the planet. It all comes down to the jobs available for Tom. We have our fingers crossed for a Graduate position that has come up, but it's nice to know that we can be happy on any adventure together so if not this one something else will come up down the track.

It's almost two years now that we've been together and over eighteen months living together and we're more in love every day. I wish I could remember to count my blessings more often; I have so much to be grateful for and happy about in my life. It feels like such a failing that fear and anxiety can overwhelm all of that and reduce me to a wreck of a person drowning in her own tears.

Creativity and gratitude bring out the best in me. I plan to drown myself in those instead. You know ... the happy kind of drowning? I think that's my cue to shut up.

reassessing my relationship with food

I read this article the other day about the differences in eating habits between French and American cultures. The whole time I was reading it, I was nodding along to all of the French eating habits as if I, too, maintained a healthy relationship with food.

But then a couple of days later I was serving a lady at the cafe and she was umm-ing and ahh-ing about a slice of cake. Finally she decided that she 'deserved to be a little naughty' and I laughed and agreed, but in that same moment I was having a bit of a head-slapping moment. Something shifted and I realised that, like her, I was actually subscribing to a very western relationship with food.

As a teenager I was dreadfully skinny. I could eat anything I wanted and never gain a pound. But times passes and bodies change and as a result so too has my relationship with food. At least this is how I've explained things to myself. It doesn't all come down to this, necessarily. I certainly did gain more womanly hips the closer I came to leaving my teens behind, but I also lost something: a regular and predictable routine. With the blessed benefits of hindsight, I can see that what really happened at this time was that my eating habits changed. I was no longer made to wait until the scheduled class breaks to sate my hunger; I ate when I felt the very first twinge of hunger. And quickly this proved to be every two hours when left to my own devices.

I found myself more and more inclined to purchase my lunch rather than to make it in the morning and I always had access to more food if I so desired.
I had unwittingly adopted the more detrimental of eating habits of out Western culture.
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morning pages and other great habits

It is so easy to let habits go by the wayside, even when you know how greatly they benefit you and the way you approach life and the world and the challenges within. A habit I have allowed to become a rarity rather than a ritual is that of Morning Pages.

There is nothing I have found so freeing as relinquishing my struggles and fears and joys and gratitude to ink and paper, but I have found it hard to want to sit quietly with my thoughts for half an hour when I could instead sit with Tom and a cup of tea. There are only so many hours in the day, and instead of looking at how I spend my time and adjusting to allow for all those things I so greatly love and benefit from, I simply chose one instead of the other. I made Morning Pages a rare task usually assigned to a boring bus ride or a particularly difficult interaction I need to get off my chest. Morning Pages became a bandaid for times in need and overlooked when I didn't feel too greatly overwhelmed.

Tom, who has noticed his need for more mindfulness and greater self-care throughout this past year of changes and stresses, was instantly drawn to these ideas. I am consistently surprised by his desire to create better habits and be more mindful of his approach to stress and also to joy. We are more alike in some ways than I could have ever predicted.

He was drawn to the first of the five most particularly, I think, because it was so outside of his norm. I write constantly and always use it as a tool to process my thoughts when my mind seems to be teeming with many. We agreed to sit every night and write freely for three sides of paper. I was really pleased to be getting back into daily free writing and to have someone to hold me accountable, he was interested in the experiment, as is his nature, and wanted to see for himself if this process holds any weight to your wellbeing and general happiness. I think he was surprised.