I didn't mean to take a break from blogging, but the air around me became heavy and I found myself burrowing into cushions and immersing myself in the worlds of fictional characters whenever my own became quiet.

Eventually, though, I felt that ray of sunshine that told me it was safe to come out. My periods of anxiety are shorter now, but just as intense and unexpected. Years have taught me that there is no clear trigger, no ominous warning signs, and all I can do is ride the waves as best I can until the waters again become clear.

I look back to that time only a few years ago when leaving the house was the most terrifying prospect and I could go weeks without leaving the safety and familiarity of my bed. I know that I am stronger and better than I have ever been, but in those weaker moments it is hard to know this truth; it is impossible to see the forest for the trees.

You might remember that I briefly mentioned a creative project that I was excited about. It sat in the back of my mind for those weeks where I did no more than go through the motions: work, home, marathoning bad tv, harry potter, wash, rinse, repeat. But it occurs to me now that this was the worst thing that I could have done, because it is only when I have a project to excite and consume me that I feel alive.

Which brings me to the other reason I've been neglecting this space. I'm putting my heart into this creative endeavour; I've been busy working on it in  my free time for the last couple of weeks. It has to move slowly for mostly financial reasons but I will share with you very soon.

We've been discussing our next move. It's hard to know where we'll be a few months from now. We might be right here in our lovely little home or we could be making a new one in a bigger city or a small country town or on the other side of the planet. It all comes down to the jobs available for Tom. We have our fingers crossed for a Graduate position that has come up, but it's nice to know that we can be happy on any adventure together so if not this one something else will come up down the track.

It's almost two years now that we've been together and over eighteen months living together and we're more in love every day. I wish I could remember to count my blessings more often; I have so much to be grateful for and happy about in my life. It feels like such a failing that fear and anxiety can overwhelm all of that and reduce me to a wreck of a person drowning in her own tears.

Creativity and gratitude bring out the best in me. I plan to drown myself in those instead. You know ... the happy kind of drowning? I think that's my cue to shut up.

a confession

The story I posted recently with the title Secrets and Solitude has somehow deterred me from posting anything much since. I retreated from this place because I had shared more than I'd anticipated. In sharing my past I was sharing my soul. That girl feels so foreign to me in so many ways, and yet she and I are still so very much the same. 

My life in no way resembles her days of loneliness and fear and insecurity, but I still struggle with the same demons. She and I will never truly be separate. She is my past and I am her future and we share the same mind and the same heart and the same memories. 

I still feel sad for her and all of her loneliness and the big black Unknown that she faced. There was so much more to her loneliness than the simple fact of her ostracism from a group of false friends. I remember that feeling. I still know it sometimes. I still feel alone in the absurd ticking of my mind. 

I wanted to write this simply to break the ice again, so to speak. I miss this space and I miss blogging freely about what matters to me, be it superficial or otherwise. We will speak very soon. 

words and getting older

I feel like I've lost my way in regards to this blog. What was it that I hoped to achieve from this space? I've almost forgotten.

A small part of me always grieves for that girl. So young, she could never know how truly young she was. And though that time of crippling loneliness passed in what now feels like a blink of an eye, those months will feel like an eternity to her. How I wish to sit with her in that beautiful sanctuary that felt so many miles from the ugliness of the world. I would tell her tales of a wonderful life since her demise. But she is gone. Time has stolen her away from me and I will never be able to tell her how truly magnificent she really was.

I haven't been blogging much lately, things have been just slightly askew. I could not figure out what was missing, but something was off. It turned out to be more than just a little something. Purple and green are the colours of the aliens I used to draw as a child. How strange it is that as an adult I must take pills of those colours every day. This past week has shown me that my need for them has not waned. Not yet. I must be more diligent. I must be more responsible with my most precious of organs. I had forgotten that sadness. How did it not occur to me that my constant headaches might be a cry for help, for those synthetic hormones that keep me balanced. It can be hard to find joy when all you feel is pain. I cried to Tom today "it hurts so much" and he thought I referred to my head, but it is life that causes the most pain.

thoughts on presence and priorities

I've been staring at a blank screen for ten minutes. Since yesterday I've been nursing that inexplicable feeling that I have forgotten something important. Everything is ever-so-slightly off-kilter, but nothing is  actually different.

A naive part of my mind believes that there is some sort simple solution to this unease - something I've overlooked that will bring back that feeling of wholeness and balance of the last week. A few surprise bills and a less-than-joyful shift at work should not be enough to ignite that feeling. I convince myself of my own frailty and resent myself for it when it proves true. 

Despite this brief period of mild and unnecessary anxiety (which is probably merely a result of exhaustion), life has been great lately. That balance I referenced was real and significant and it gave me a greater sense of my own priorities. Last week reminded me of the value of creating and nurturing healthy habits and taking time to be fully present. It's taken us most of Tom's honours year to realise how important it is to fully switch off every now and then. Honours stress would have been greatly reduced by one full night a week of completely switching off and being present. On Thursday night we didn't even discuss the things we each have due or the burden of these demands and were just fully present in each other's company. I hadn't even realise until that moment how rare it has become. By living together, we are able to slip short respites of joy in between the other demands in our life - but it is so rare that we focus wholly on being together for the entire evening. We both felt refreshed reminded of the value of truly being with one another when we are together.

We've been looking at our priorities now and into the future. What we want for our life together really just comes down to simplicity and joy, but on a more practical level we've decided that these require financial security, maintainable habits to simplify house upkeep, slowing down and spending more time being fully present together. We need goals to work towards and exciting things to look forward to. We really don't need a lot. It's the little things that matter the most. In regards to financial security, it's becoming clear that I'll need a new job; there just aren't enough shifts available at the bar and with winter it will be even less predictable and sustainable. I've known this for a while, but the simplicity and comfort have stopped me from really doing a great deal about it. I'm determined to put in some real effort and secure something as soon as possible.

Life is good. That feeling is slipping away, as if all I'd forgotten was to look at all the good in my life.