The last couple of weeks have been punctuated by both soaring highs and crashing lows. I've had moments of pure, unbridled bliss and I've also had a couple of the most severe and terrifying panic attacks of my life. I've started a dozen post drafts but not managed to hit publish on any because my mind is a jumble of thoughts and feelings that work against one another and leave me with the fallout- a strange feeling of loss, or perhaps the very opposite? I'm not quite sure. I feel like I'm floating around in a whirl of confusion but I'm also finding myself with a much clearer direction and desire to achieve.

There is actually a lot of wonderful little things happening in my world that I've wanted to share, but in between those times my anxiety has been high and I've found myself prefering to fill silence with the voices of others rather than my own. Tom got a new job for the summer and has had a couple of interviews for really exciting graduate positions. It's too soon still to know what he'll do and where we might be next year, but I'm just so damn proud of him and have learnt so much from watching him work towards his dreams throughout honours and this painful job-seeking process. I find myself more driven simply by knowing I have him by my side and reminding myself of the drive he shows even, no, especially, when things feel like too much.  

I've been working on a few little creative projects (pressing flowers, making succulent houses) and planning DIY gifts and decorations for Christmas. We put up our 'tree' (excuse the poor iPhone photo) for this year and downloaded hilarious carols albums from the liked of Boys II Men and Mariah Carey. I tested a recipe for Christmas cookies and brought the final product into work for my regulars to judge. My day to day has been full of little joys such as these; my feelings of overwhelm have sprung from within my own head, not in response to external stressors. 

Most importantly, though, I've finally started on the path towards a dream of mine and can see both hard work and great reward in my future. My dad has been helping from afar and he has helped me to gain much more confidence in my ability to reach my own goals.

So why am I writing today? I don't know. Nothing has changed, I'm still feeling that paradoxical pang of bliss and overwhelming fear. It's about to reach 37 degrees , I'm standing in a lonely shop with no customers and I have a mountain of dishes to attack when I get home. But today, for some strange reason, these little monotonies of daily life are what makes me feel human and whole. I haven't served a customer in half an hour and yet I'm feeling more connected to the rest of the world and less like the stranger in a crowd.

ps. It hit 39 degrees this afternoon, which for those of you playing at home on the other side of the globe is 102 Fahrenheit. I have no words to explain the hate I feel for the sun right now. 

a manifesto for mindful living

I'm tired of being so negative. The image I posted alongside my last outpour of despair was more telling than I even realised at the time. I destroy myself. No one and nothing is trying to destroy me. Life is just happening, and I am choosing to destroy myself with fear and anguish over setbacks and disappointments rather than to thrive in the face of these challenges. The grass is greener where you water it. 

So I wrote a list of things that I only ever find myself doing when the grass is looking a glorious green, things I want to remember to keep doing even when the impulse does not come quite so naturally. It turned into a manifesto for living mindfully, for living fully.

The world looks a whole lot brighter when I remind myself of the influence I have over the way I see things.

thoughts on presence and priorities

I've been staring at a blank screen for ten minutes. Since yesterday I've been nursing that inexplicable feeling that I have forgotten something important. Everything is ever-so-slightly off-kilter, but nothing is  actually different.

A naive part of my mind believes that there is some sort simple solution to this unease - something I've overlooked that will bring back that feeling of wholeness and balance of the last week. A few surprise bills and a less-than-joyful shift at work should not be enough to ignite that feeling. I convince myself of my own frailty and resent myself for it when it proves true. 

Despite this brief period of mild and unnecessary anxiety (which is probably merely a result of exhaustion), life has been great lately. That balance I referenced was real and significant and it gave me a greater sense of my own priorities. Last week reminded me of the value of creating and nurturing healthy habits and taking time to be fully present. It's taken us most of Tom's honours year to realise how important it is to fully switch off every now and then. Honours stress would have been greatly reduced by one full night a week of completely switching off and being present. On Thursday night we didn't even discuss the things we each have due or the burden of these demands and were just fully present in each other's company. I hadn't even realise until that moment how rare it has become. By living together, we are able to slip short respites of joy in between the other demands in our life - but it is so rare that we focus wholly on being together for the entire evening. We both felt refreshed reminded of the value of truly being with one another when we are together.

We've been looking at our priorities now and into the future. What we want for our life together really just comes down to simplicity and joy, but on a more practical level we've decided that these require financial security, maintainable habits to simplify house upkeep, slowing down and spending more time being fully present together. We need goals to work towards and exciting things to look forward to. We really don't need a lot. It's the little things that matter the most. In regards to financial security, it's becoming clear that I'll need a new job; there just aren't enough shifts available at the bar and with winter it will be even less predictable and sustainable. I've known this for a while, but the simplicity and comfort have stopped me from really doing a great deal about it. I'm determined to put in some real effort and secure something as soon as possible.

Life is good. That feeling is slipping away, as if all I'd forgotten was to look at all the good in my life.