For a while it felt like we were looking at each other from opposite sides of soundproof glass we didn't know how to penetrate. I didn't know how to understand what Tom was going through and I felt like he was taking little interest in anything other than his own pain and the job hunt he now had to undertake.

I wasn't really trying to understand how he was feeling, I was actually just trying to make him feel better. I was going to make him feel better godamnit!

But you can't just make someone feel better. You can't just tell them to look on the bright side or focus on all of the good things in their life.

What I really did was bring discord into our usually happy home.

Perspective means everything. From mine, we were suffering under the weight of his feelings of failure and his determined pursuit of new work. But when I eventually stopped telling him that things would be okay and started listening I realised I had it so very wrong. It took me a whole damn week of madness to realise what was wrong with my perspective (everything). We weren't suffering at all; he was suffering and I was being a pretty crappy girlfriend by wishing he would stop the job search and take some downtime with me. He was really just trying to get us back on track to our Darwin dream. I was so determined to have his attention NOW, to know that he was (and we were) okay NOW, that I couldn't see his reasons for being distracted. He was looking to our future.

I stopped trying to change his attitude and behaviour and instead focused on being the girlfriend I wanted to be (not the shrill, pedantic one I had been being).

On Sunday I sent him a formal invitation to a home date in the courtyard: wine and cheese under the stars. We talked all night. He decided to cook me a romantic dinner. We talked about his recent interview and discussed his next move to woo them. He gave me advice about asking a superior for a coffee meeting. We laughed and played "would you rather" and he admitted that considering the price the goon wasn't remotely undrinkable. We got along in the way that made us fall in love in the first place, in the way that makes our love work so perfectly every day. He is my best friend. I never want living together and cleaning schedules and messy kitchens to ruin that perfect combination of love and actual connection. (It didn't, I did)

That's what I learnt this weekend. What did you learn?

The word for 2014

Last year I played along with Susannah Conway and created a "Word for 2013".
I took so long trying out words and attaching meanings to them that I don't think the end result of the word "Do" was perhaps as powerful as Susannah's experience with the process. I didn't exactly forget the word like I often forget New Years Resolutions, but I don't see evidence of it inspiring me to do more, to approach situations differently or to step out of my comfort zone in any way.
I had no intention of choosing another word for this year. Last year's process simply didn't seem to be something that stirred much within me, so I decided instead to write a list of intentions that were specific to a few areas of my life on which I'd like to focus.
But while I was writing the list and exploring my intentions for 2014, one word just kept coming up. Explore.

The word came to me organically and the word failed to go away. So I've decided to welcome it into my life and let it stay for the year. My year of exploration.

Intentions for 2014

Screw resolutions that I'll forget after about a month; this year I'm setting intentions. For me, that means focussing on the process of achieving my goals rather than just the goals themselves. Goals can't be reached overnight, and it can sometimes feel like you'll never reach them at all, so I think it's really important to focus on enjoying the process and keeping perspective. As long as I am actively working within my intentions, I am creeping closer towards my dreams and, more importantly, I am enjoying the journey.

actively seek opportunities and make time to feel alive through creative self-expression

When I am creating, I am whole. The world makes sense to me and my anxiety abates. I have no excuses for my lack of creative output in recent years, I've simply let it slide and I think that perhaps I have suffered for it. This year I want to be deliberate and mindful about undertaking artistic endeavours.

cultivate simple rituals and traditions 

This year I want to take care to be mindful as I go about my days. I want to create rituals in place of mindless routines and be more present as I consciously go about the new little rituals I will fit into my day-to-day. I also want to focus on creating meaningful traditions with Tom that we can keep for years to come.

write consistently and openly

This intention is for both my own personal journalling and also for writing here on the blog, both of which have declined significantly in recent months to the extent that I feel like something of a stranger to the mediums. I want to write consistently, yes, but more importantly I want to write without bridle. As long as I continue to write regularly, I don't necessarily mind about a blogging schedule (this may change, but for now it is what works for me) or a daily word count.

take care of myself

My health, both physical and mental, can be precarious at times. If I am not careful to look after myself and listen to the needs of my body preemptively, I'll have a lot more trouble and work getting myself back to health once my body folds to the pressure. Likewise, my anxiety is something I have learned to live with - and at most times it is something of which I feel I am in control - but a little slip and it quickly takes control of me, or so it feels, which may be the same thing anyway.

Do you make resolutions or intentions for the new year? I sometimes feel like such a nerd for my great love for goal-setting and list-making, but I do find that it works well for me. Even though it's really just an arbitrary date, starting each new year with a clean slate and a brand new set of intentions feels like a good way to mark moving forward.

What are you hoping to achieve/change/do/learn/be in 2014?

a manifesto for mindful living

I'm tired of being so negative. The image I posted alongside my last outpour of despair was more telling than I even realised at the time. I destroy myself. No one and nothing is trying to destroy me. Life is just happening, and I am choosing to destroy myself with fear and anguish over setbacks and disappointments rather than to thrive in the face of these challenges. The grass is greener where you water it. 

So I wrote a list of things that I only ever find myself doing when the grass is looking a glorious green, things I want to remember to keep doing even when the impulse does not come quite so naturally. It turned into a manifesto for living mindfully, for living fully.

The world looks a whole lot brighter when I remind myself of the influence I have over the way I see things.