My absence has not been intentional; stress is an insidious foe. It creeps under doors and suffocates you in your sleep. We've had far more than our share in the last couple of weeks. The day off I was so excited for had been one of many casualties. The computer on which Tom has loaded a programme that spits out incomprehensible numbers, is another. This morning it just never wanted to wake. Tom has been pacing around the house for the better part two hours, unable to eat, refusing to check his glucose levels (another stress in itself) and generally not knowing what to do with himself. This assignment is taking so much valuable time away from his thesis and it is looking like it will take at least another day with this latest disaster.

I've had another burden to bear as well. I've lost my job. It was not entirely unexpected, I cannot be entirely reliable having panic attacks before (and sometimes during) every other shift. This is nothing new, the bar was a trigger for me before. I just thought I'd be able to cope with the place now that it's under the management of someone I like and respect and who is understanding of that part of me. Not so. I'll be honest and say it's a relief, despite the loss of income, to know I won't be having these bouts of anxiety that I've managed to remove from every other aspect of my life. I'll find new work and I'll make sure it isn't in such a triggering environment. Night work, big crowds, drunk idiots are all out. Sometimes, I think, you need to work with yourself and your strengths, rather than attempting to force yourself to adapt.

I've been listening to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl and drinking Gorgeous Geisha. Tom always crosses out Geisha and replaces it with Georgia. I'm about to start reading The Happiness Project, since everyone seems to be raving about it. Three weeks to go. Three weeks.

lately

We never got our day off. This assignment has turned out to be extraordinarily time consuming, despite being worth so much less than the thesis he could/should be spending this time working on. I cannot wait for Honours to be over. I cannot wait to have uninterrupted hours with my beautiful boyfriend and his unburdened mind. His mind is presently full of words I do not understand and a great deal of stress. He's been writing on my computer, which is partially why I haven't been able to post lately. His was in an accident involving a bottle of vodka. I may be at fault for that one.

I'm looking for new work. I'm done being a bartender, it does not suit me to work late hours or put myself in the presence of loud, busy places like that. Sometimes, I think, you need to work with yourself and your strengths, rather than attempting to force yourself to adapt. I don't want to do this forever and I've never been a fan of these environments. I've been having mild panic attacks every time I have a night shift for a few weeks now. This is nothing new, I just thought I'd be able to cope with the place now that it's under the management of someone I like and respect and who is understanding of that part of me.

I've been listening to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl and drinking Gorgeous Geisha. Tom always crosses out Geisha and replaces it with Georgia. It's become a sweet little tradition every time we get a box, so unlike the rest of our loose leaf teas, I don't like to transfer it to a jar. I'm about to start reading The Happiness Project, since everyone seems to be raving about it.

before the fall, or, the words I left behind on Friday night

I'm sitting in the office at work. I was due to start half an hour ago, but my shift has been delayed indefinitely because it's so quiet here. Everyone's decided to go home and hide from the rain. It's where I'd like to be. There are others that I could sit with, but I'm just not feeling up to human contact so I'm soaking up as much alone time as I can before putting on my happy bartender face. We're so broke at the moment but I keep thinking to myself that I'd be quite happy if my shift were cancelled entirely. I don't know why I feel this way, I guess it's been a heavy and stressful week in it's own mundane way. I would probably benefit from a good long cry about nothing in particular. But instead I'll put on a happy face and play fight with G when he gets in. They're all there, within sight. I can see but I'm not really here. They don't see me. There is a wall between us all.

Back in a flash, I promise. We're taking a much needed day off tomorrow, after which I'm looking forward to getting back into my old rhythm. Blogging very much included. I've missed this space in the last week. Time has passed so slowly, it feels like so much longer.

Silence on the blog front.

A while back, Tom & I went to a friend's place for a few drinks. We brought a bottle of vodka, but Tom had come directly from Uni or something I think, so he also had his Macbook Air in the bag but I didn't know that at the time. Half of the group (including Tom) were heading to a provided 25th and the rest of us were going into town with the drunk girls in tiny skirts and noisy music, not usually my cup of tea but the company was strong and I'd had enough vodka at our first destination that I was happy to roll along with the terrible plan. Not important. What is important, though, is that Tom decided to leave his bag behind, so as we were walking out the door, I threw the vodka into his bag, which was lying on the floor. There was a loud thump and I knew something bad had happened. Of all the places that bottle could have hit the computer, it chose to plant itself into the plastic apple logo and cause a great deal of damage to the screen below. It would cost almost as much to fix as it would to replace it new, so we haven't done anything about it yet. Fast forward to the last week, and Tom has been taking my computer with him to Uni and I've been stressed and have nothing interesting to say anyway, so the blog has taken the brunt of this.

“If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

education and creativity

Sir Ken Robinson: Schools kill creativity

Highly recommended. I think I will write about my own experiences and views on this topic once I've handed in my assignment. I suppose that is quite ironic, really.

original vs organic thought
tall poppy syndrome & it's natural formation in colonial Australia
you are your own worst enemy
cultivating self love and kindness is a universal desire

Why and how I write Morning Pages

Morning Pages is simply a name given to who others might call a brain dump or free writing. Ideally you write these pages in the morning, as indicated by the name, but over time I've switched to completing mine in the evening, simply because it works better for me to unwind before I sleep and also because I have developed my own morning rituals to get myself off to a good start to the day. I still call them Morning Pages, though, because I like the term and have used it for such a long time.

Morning Pages are a practice orignially introducred to me by my mother. I have written Morning Pages on a reasonably regular basis (occasionally with brief periods in which I fall out of the habit) since I was in my early teens and found the practice to be very useful.

6 surprising and unusual talks about the environment and our responsibility

Here's the first instalment of a new series in which I curate inspiring TED talks.

new habits for a new month

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Study

The idea of advertising, in itself, can make me cringe. I occasionally wonder why I am interested in studying it. Then I am allowed to analyse advertisements that are more mini-films than sales pitches and I remember the artful possibilities and the cleverness with which this industry changes and evolves throughout time.

I don't want to sell happiness for a living, but I respect this industry for what it does. We

thoughts on presence and priorities

I've been staring at a blank screen for ten minutes. Since yesterday I've been nursing that inexplicable feeling that I have forgotten something important. Everything is ever-so-slightly off-kilter, but nothing is  actually different.

A naive part of my mind believes that there is some sort simple solution to this unease - something I've overlooked that will bring back that feeling of wholeness and balance of the last week. A few surprise bills and a less-than-joyful shift at work should not be enough to ignite that feeling. I convince myself of my own frailty and resent myself for it when it proves true. 

Despite this brief period of mild and unnecessary anxiety (which is probably merely a result of exhaustion), life has been great lately. That balance I referenced was real and significant and it gave me a greater sense of my own priorities. Last week reminded me of the value of creating and nurturing healthy habits and taking time to be fully present. It's taken us most of Tom's honours year to realise how important it is to fully switch off every now and then. Honours stress would have been greatly reduced by one full night a week of completely switching off and being present. On Thursday night we didn't even discuss the things we each have due or the burden of these demands and were just fully present in each other's company. I hadn't even realise until that moment how rare it has become. By living together, we are able to slip short respites of joy in between the other demands in our life - but it is so rare that we focus wholly on being together for the entire evening. We both felt refreshed reminded of the value of truly being with one another when we are together.

We've been looking at our priorities now and into the future. What we want for our life together really just comes down to simplicity and joy, but on a more practical level we've decided that these require financial security, maintainable habits to simplify house upkeep, slowing down and spending more time being fully present together. We need goals to work towards and exciting things to look forward to. We really don't need a lot. It's the little things that matter the most. In regards to financial security, it's becoming clear that I'll need a new job; there just aren't enough shifts available at the bar and with winter it will be even less predictable and sustainable. I've known this for a while, but the simplicity and comfort have stopped me from really doing a great deal about it. I'm determined to put in some real effort and secure something as soon as possible.

Life is good. That feeling is slipping away, as if all I'd forgotten was to look at all the good in my life. 

A couple of tiny new habits have made a surprisingly large impact. I feel more joyful and balanced and at ease just by ensuring that I do the dishes nightly rather than after breakfast. I don't put it off because I know I'll be grateful for it in the morning. There is no feeling of completion after doing the dishes in the morning - in no time at all the benches will become home to new dishes and cutting boards and the juice Tom always forgets to put away. I never knew I cared until I changed the habit, but apparently I'm more of a Petunia Dursley than I'd like to admit. I've been watching TED talks while pulling apart cupboards and reorganising them. While I was in bed with the flu I spent a lot of my time dreaming up ways to make life simpler and the house more manageable  so I've been working on a new area every day, just something small, and trying to make it more functional and get rid of the clutter.

Lazy Morning Links

from the Earth series by totaviva

Tom & I are going to head out for a coffee and a planning/organising/prioritising session once I can coax him out of bed. We both worked last night; there were three pub crawls and a lot of idiots to be kicked out. I'm a little tired of working in an industry where a good shift is one where there is no vomit to clean up & you didn't have to snap at strangers trying to catch a quick grope as you pass. Here's a tip for gropers everywhere: keep your hands off bartenders - they deal with drunk idiots for a living so are a) capable of handling themselves and b) have probably already lost their patience earlier in the night. People suck. 

I haven't got a great deal to share with you this week, link-wise. I 

When it comes to web design, I firmly believe that you should use CSS over graphics wherever possible. Have a look at Sarah's great tutorial on creating circle photos and rounded corners with CSS.

Home-made Lara Bars

25 time-saving food prep techniques

Every child needs a Max costume. 

I've only been getting one shift a week. This hasn't bothered me too greatly because we havent

Four days of rain and my rose-tinted glasses have adjusted slightly to the banal shade of reality. I still love winter more than any other, but without a dryer, or at least a laundry to hide the unsightly clothes airer, I am reminded that no amount of romanticising can diminish the darkness that is necessary for the light. Colder days bring more flus and rain makes washing even less desirous than it already is.

I judge people who do not like to sit and talk. Those who go out to dance and drink themselves silly. I have fun on the occasions that I go out dancing, but my favourite memories are those quiet Wednesday nights at the pub with interesting people and intellectual conversation. Tendrils of vanilla scented

twenty things you may not know about me

Here, in my digital corner of the world, you mostly see the introspective, the often over-analytic part of my personality. I am not always this thoughtful or eloquent. I spend a lot of my time singing everything I am doing - "washing the dishes. washing the dishes. let's all wash the dishes. the dirty, dirty dishes." - and giggling inappropriately like an overexcited child. So to give you a different insight, a more well-rounded perspective of who I am, I shall give you twenty little pointless and possibly banal tidbits about myself that most of you would not know. (Also, some embarrassing photos from when I was a teenager. Enjoy.)

001. I am terrified of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or more specifically, the child catcher I have always known as the Man-Witch. I first watched that film when I had a terrible bout of the flu as a child and the already ominous scene had a whole new level of scary added in my fever-ridden state. I still get knots in my stomach watching that film.

Ugh, he gives me the heebie jeebies.

002. I cry uncontrollably in sad parts of movies. Uncontrollably. It's not cute or pretty and Tom think's its ridiculous that I get so emotional about fictional events and characters. 

003. I wore the same olive green flowergirl dress for two years straight. Day in, day out. My parents would wash it while I slept and I'd wear skivvies underneath in winter. (I was about three, okay?)

004. I read my horoscope every week even though I dont believe in them.

005. I have a stick & poke tattoo on my ankle. When I was eighteen, my friends and I gave each other tattoos with sewing needles and Indian ink. It was horrifyingly painful and if I ever get another tattoo it will definitely be done professionally.

C giving M a tattoo

006. I was a nanny. I took care of five girls under ten, the youngest two being twin babies. I have never been so exhausted or had such great upper body strength.

007. Until this year, I had never run for more than 200m straight. Fitness remains a mystery to me.

008. I probably know more about Harry Potter than anyone you know.

009. I am clumsy. Dad once told me that I'm like a foal - I look like I should be graceful, but I am frequently far from it. I walk into door frames all the time and I can't catch. I've broken more than a few (full) bottles of spirits at work.

010. I vote below the line. 

011. I wish I could delete Facebook. My boss won't let me because we have a staff page on there, but it's the only thing I use it for.

012. I was once diagnosed with OCD, but I've since decided that I'm just a person who likes straight lines and to get a job done. If you're going to clean, why wouldn't you do a deep clean?

013. I was desperate for blue hair as a child. When I was eight or nine, mum started to let me use those eight-wash hair dyes and my favourite was blueberry, which was more purple than blue but I was happy enough.

014. I hate the word 'baby' as a term of endearment. It creeps me out. Babies are tiny people.

015. I've always been a teacher's pet. I'm still friends with my high school politics teacher.

Igor, my politics teacher, & I at my graduation. I made it my profile pic for a while & everyone thought he was my dad.

This is my dad...
looking proud of me:

looking at a camera with me:

016. I have broken three bones in the most embarrassing ways possible. I fake-fainted and broke my right arm when I seven, I broke my coccyx by falling off a tall stool I was foolishly standing on, and at Christmas I fell down the stairs and broke my big toe. 

017. I went through a 'hippie phase' as a teenager. My school was in the middle of the CBD and based on a University structure, so very laid back - we used to skip around the city wearing fisherman pants and no shoes. I went vegetarian and didn't wash my hair for nine months because I was 'balancing the natural chemicals'.

018. When I was sixteen, I let my drunk friend cut all of my hair off with Crayola scissors. Surprisingly, it worked out quite well and I kept that pixie cut for two years.

There's my pixie cut, and my adorable 'hairdresser' on the right. 

019. I confuse memories with dreams. I have such vivid dreams that I've often been known to assert them as memories from real life with complete conviction.

020. I am a mad researcher. If something seems interesting, I will research the hell out of it until I am a temporary expert. I say temporary because I mostly retain useless factoids and forget the 'big' details.

So now you know me a little better. Or at the very least you now know a few embarrassing things I have done in the past. Cheers for indulging me. I hope this was remotely interesting; I always enjoy these kind of 'reveal' posts from other bloggers.

Perhaps you'll do one of your own and give me a link so I can get to know you too? 

the hydrosphere

Tom has been practicing for a speech. I've heard it so many times over that I could almost give it myself. It's a nonsense script that I can run through in my head, but so many of these hydrogeological terms are completely alien to me.

"strontium isotopes do not undergo significant mass fractionation ..." 

It is a whole other language to me, the words of which I still do not entirely believe exist.

Perhaps we work so well together because we belong to such different worlds, our minds work in such different ways and we see the world from such distinctly different (but aligned) perspectives. We wear different lenses but we believe in the same simple truths. Our different paths lead us to the same conclusions - or at least to interesting debate, which is half the fun in itself, is it not?

I have yet to start my latest assignment. I have to analyse two advertisements from either Chanel or Coca-Cola. I still find it strange to balance my interest in advertising studies with my more minimalist, anti-consumerist bent. They so often feel at odds, but at a theoretical level I really don't care that greatly.  I'm looking forward to analysing the first advertisement that I've chosen because it is less of a traditional advertisement and more of a short film. I'm wondering, though, if this is striking a balance between those two odds or just allowing me to recover some of my beloved, but ultimately useless, film studies