life, lately: stress

My absence has not been intentional; stress is an insidious foe. It creeps under doors and suffocates you in your sleep. We've had far more than our share in the last couple of weeks. The day off I was so excited for had been one of many casualties. The computer on which Tom has loaded a programme that spits out incomprehensible numbers, is another. This morning it just never wanted to wake. Tom has been pacing around the house for the better part two hours, unable to eat, refusing to check his glucose levels (another stress in itself) and generally not knowing what to do with himself. This assignment is taking so much valuable time away from his thesis and it is looking like it will take at least another day with this latest disaster.

I've had another burden to bear as well. I've lost my job. It was not entirely unexpected, I cannot be entirely reliable having panic attacks before (and sometimes during) every other shift. This is nothing new, the bar was a trigger for me before. I just thought I'd be able to cope with the place now that it's under the management of someone I like and respect and who is understanding of that part of me. Not so. I'll be honest and say it's a relief, despite the loss of income, to know I won't be having these bouts of anxiety that I've managed to remove from every other aspect of my life. I'll find new work and I'll make sure it isn't in such a triggering environment. Night work, big crowds, drunk idiots are all out. Sometimes, I think, you need to work with yourself and your strengths, rather than attempting to force yourself to adapt.

I've been listening to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl and drinking Gorgeous Geisha. Tom always crosses out Geisha and replaces it with Georgia. I'm about to start reading The Happiness Project, since everyone seems to be raving about it. Three weeks to go. Three weeks.