A naive part of my mind believes that there is some sort simple solution to this unease - something I've overlooked that will bring back that feeling of wholeness and balance of the last week. A few surprise bills and a less-than-joyful shift at work should not be enough to ignite that feeling. I convince myself of my own frailty and resent myself for it when it proves true.
Despite this brief period of mild and unnecessary anxiety (which is probably merely a result of exhaustion), life has been great lately. That balance I referenced was real and significant and it gave me a greater sense of my own priorities. Last week reminded me of the value of creating and nurturing healthy habits and taking time to be fully present. It's taken us most of Tom's honours year to realise how important it is to fully switch off every now and then. Honours stress would have been greatly reduced by one full night a week of completely switching off and being present. On Thursday night we didn't even discuss the things we each have due or the burden of these demands and were just fully present in each other's company. I hadn't even realise until that moment how rare it has become. By living together, we are able to slip short respites of joy in between the other demands in our life - but it is so rare that we focus wholly on being together for the entire evening. We both felt refreshed reminded of the value of truly being with one another when we are together.
We've been looking at our priorities now and into the future. What we want for our life together really just comes down to simplicity and joy, but on a more practical level we've decided that these require financial security, maintainable habits to simplify house upkeep, slowing down and spending more time being fully present together. We need goals to work towards and exciting things to look forward to. We really don't need a lot. It's the little things that matter the most. In regards to financial security, it's becoming clear that I'll need a new job; there just aren't enough shifts available at the bar and with winter it will be even less predictable and sustainable. I've known this for a while, but the simplicity and comfort have stopped me from really doing a great deal about it. I'm determined to put in some real effort and secure something as soon as possible.
Life is good. That feeling is slipping away, as if all I'd forgotten was to look at all the good in my life.
Life is good. That feeling is slipping away, as if all I'd forgotten was to look at all the good in my life.
I feel this SO MUCH. Beautifully written.
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